AZ's of Middle Earth
by Rose G
Summary: Me and Mel! co-wrote this at school. It's very funny and just what the title says. Aragorn, Legolas, Hobbits all done. Sauron now up!
1. Aragorn

An A-Z of Reasons We Love Aragorn  
By Mel! and Rose G  
  
Disclaimer - We only borrowed this character and intend to release him unharmed. And we haven't made any money from this.  
  
A/N - We wrote this at school over several breaks and lessons when we had nothing else to do. Yes, physics and history really are that boring (sorry, Mr. J, we love you really.) Don't blame us if it's weird.  
  
  
  
Awkward - Always up for a good argument.  
Brave - You wouldn't have to worry about dealing with spiders if he was around.  
Cunning - He'd always be able to talk his way out of trouble with anyone.  
Dashing - One look at him and interfering parents would change their minds.   
Elegant - You'd never be ashamed to be seen out with him.  
Fleet footed - He'd never have an excuse for being late.  
Grey eyed - Sexy. Very  
Handsome - An easy way to make that little snobby girl you really hate jealous.  
Intelligent - He'd always be able to do anything you ask.  
Just perfect - Do we really have to explain this one?  
King - He'll always have enough money and you get to be Queen.  
Longshanks - There's something about tall men.  
Mine - We wish.  
Numenorian - He'll be around for ages.  
On/Off romantic - Better than most men we know.  
Patriotic - He likes his country, we like ours. You could have some good arguments about the Football World Cup.  
Qute - My co-writer can't spell and nothing else fitted.  
Romantic - Who else would name his horse after his girlfriend?   
Sweet - He waits about 50 years for his girlfriend, then makes her Queen. We could live with that.  
Telcontar - He doesn't care what you call him.  
Underhand - He stitches people up nicely, and that's always useful.  
Valiant - He'd do anything to save his friends.  
Wanderer - You couldn't have too much of his company, because he's never there.  
Youthful - People wouldn't be able to complain you was going about with an old bloke for his money, would they?  
Zestful - We dunno. Nothing else goes for Z.   
  
  
  
  
Most of these apply to Viggo Mortension as well, but he's married. Which isn't really that good. Hehehehe. We had a really good time writing this, and we've got a few more planned. R/r and tell us what characters you want done, and we'll do them. 


	2. Arwen

An A-Z of Reasons We Hate Arwen   
By Mel! and Rose G  
  
Disclaimer - this character belongs to Tolkien, and believe us, he can keep her.  
  
A/N - We have nothing against Arwen in the books, we just don't like the number of times she appears in the film. Have you seen that picture of her kissing Aragorn? YUK! And no flames for this, we're only having a laugh.  
  
Aragorn - Do we have to explain this one?  
Bewitching - How did she get Aragorn to fall in love with her so easily?  
Cowardly - She never rode into battle, did she?  
Devious - She set out to get Aragorn, and she did.  
Elrond - She never listened to him.  
Fancy Free - If only she'd met someone else earlier.  
God Sent - By Melkor.  
Halbarad - These two would have been a good pair. And it would have left Aragorn free.  
Immortal - This really isn't fair, is it?  
Jumped up -Marrying Aragorn means she's the most powerful woman in Middle Earth.  
Kingdom - She's got one, we haven't.  
Lucky - Far more than she should have been.  
Married - Enough said.  
Non-romantic - Aragorn deserved somebody who'd love him, and show it.  
Open minded - So much so, her brains fell out.  
Pretty - Yeah, pretty ugly.  
Queen - She gets everything she wants, and a whole nation bowing to her.   
Rich - Not sure if they had money in Middle Earth, but she must have been. We're broke.  
Silent - She isn't in the film that's the problem.  
Tasteful - She did chose the best looking one, didn't she?  
Useless - What good is a flag in battle?  
Vain - Did Aragorn have to have such a fancy flag?  
Worst - She is the worst one Strider could have picked.  
Xtra-terrestrial - We dunno. What does fit?  
Younger days - She got to see them, we didn't.  
Zero - Her chances of ever being mates with Eowyn.  
  
  
  
Hehehehe, an anti Arwen A-Z. We so enjoyed writing this, but we do like the character really, it's just fun to destroy them. And we are writing a list of reasons why Legolas is great at the moment. Look out for it. 


	3. Monsters

An A-Z of Reasons That The Monsters in LotR are Cool

By Mel and Rose G

A/N - Apologies for leaving this for so long but we've been busy. Gandalf and Boromir are coming soon, as is a hobbit one. But now, a celebration of Tolkien's monsters that no one loves, including some from Silmarillion and some from Unfinished Tales. 

Arwen - The nearest example of a witch in LotR. 

Balrog - these guys breathe flame! And kill Wizards! How great is that?

Curnir - Man of Skill. Where do you find one of those, if they really do exist?

Dragons - Powerful, rich, dangerous. And if you like pot holing, they'd be useful to have along.

Elves mutated into Orcs - Much more handsome than a certain blonde Elf with his hair in plaits, who sings and boasts about how great he is at shooting. More likely to register on the IQ scale as well. 

Ferny - Alright, he isn't that cool but he did sell Bill to Sam, and he does sort of skulk around in the first book. People that skulk and lurk are interesting. (Mel - 'only to other dishonest Londoners who like to lurk in corners and plot about how to stitch people up.')

Gollum - You've got to admit, he's pretty funny in the film, and you have to feel sorry for him. (Mel - he still looks like Daniel, though and Rose fancies Daniel. Rose - no and NO!)

Haradrim - We can think of a few people who are less civilised than this bunch, but not anyone with a more impressive reputation for fighting. That can be useful at times.

Isildur's Bane - Made out of solid gold, with a personal inscription. Expensive and pretty. And it influences the whole story. And it turns Boromir insane. Hahahaha. 

Khamul - First, see reasons for Nazgul. Then remember that he's their guv'nor. He just terrifies everyone and he had his own kingdom. For a little while, anyway. 

Lord of the Ring - He gave his name to the greatest trilogy ever written. Talk about famous. And he ought to get paid loads in royalties. 

Moria - It's important -Gandalf died there. It's dangerous - ditto. It's inhabited by a Balrog! It also frightens Elves. 

Nazgul - What is it about men in black? And they terrify everyone, which can be very handy.

Orcs - If it wasn't for them taking Merry and Pippin, we would never have got a few chapters in Two Towers that are hobbit free. Thank you, Orcs!

Pharzon - Not quite a monster, but he was great and rich and brave. And nothing else fitted. And he was an ancestor of Aragorn.

Queen Beruthiel's cats - Probably the least known legend in Middle Earth, but black cats are pretty even if they do spy on men. 

Rhun - A lovely little country inhabited by the Haradrim, we believe. And Aragorn went there once, which has to be good. And it's easy to spell. 

Shelob - Just think of all the people you could terrify with a giant spider. (Mel - parents, Rose- English teacher, both of us - Orlando Bloom) And she hates Hobbits.

Trolls - Anything that tries to eat hobbits has to be alright, doesn't it?

Ungoliant - Hardly anything mortal ever got into Valinor, so would be a handy source of information on gaining immortal life as well as destroying kingdoms. 

Variags - Just what the hell are these things? Oh well, mysteries make everything more interesting.

Wargs - Imagine using one of these for a guard dog. Anyway, they make pretty good torches when Gandalf's around.

X-files - A whole world just crying out for Mulder and Scully to come and investigate. Ooooh, Mulder and Viggo Mortension in the same film.... Lovely........

Yrch - Doesn't Orc just sound far more impressive in Elvish? But reasons for Orcs being brilliant still apply to Yrch.

Zoidbergs - Oh, for crying out loud, how are we meant to find a monster in LotR that starts with Z? Don't be picky. 

Apologies are due to Orlando Bloom, his fans, Arwen and anyone else who's been insulted. And would anyone who knows what a Variag is, please let us know in a review. 

And, the TRAILER for the Two Towers is out TODAY! Go see it, but you have to watch the Fellowship again to see it. How difficult....


	4. Legolas

An A-Z of ways to Kill Legolas!

Mel and Rose G

A/N - This is HUMOUR. Got that? A JOKE. Don't bother flaming us unless you can spell properly, all right? And to the idiot who accused us of not reading the books, where the hell do you think that we found the monsters like Ungolient, and Queen Beruthiel's cats? Does it mention them in the film? No. Or maybe you're just deaf.

Axed - From his role in the film.

Boiled alive - in Elf Wine or boiling pitch.

Chopped - into ickle pieces and fed to sharks.

Deprived of his hairbrush - Oh, the pain... 

Executed - hopefully on camera. 

Flayed - preferably alive, so we could make a rug from his hair.

Ground - Buried six foot under it, hopefully.

Hung - By his own ridiculous hair on a Mirkwood Tree.

Impaled - We'd say on his own sword, but that requires too much of a sure aim for him. we think. 

Jousted - Mandorallean from David Eddings comes over to Middle Earth and knocks him off his horse. 

Kissed - By rabid fan girls who then trample him to death.

Locked up - With a large, angry, armed Dwarf.

Monsters - See his face, start running from him, then trampling him.

Novice bowmen - Guess he isn't that good as a teacher, eh? All the girls faint when they see him, and the boys declare war on him. 

Poison ivy - Just like in trinity's fic, only without Dr. Aragorn being in the house.

Queen's Orders - She gets sick of him stealing her husband. 

Roasted - Slowly, by a giant spider that wants to eat him.

Squashed - By Gimli. Don't ask. Just don't ask...

Targeted - By Viggo Mortension fans.

Ultimate Torture - Tied to a chair and forced to listen to the Silmarillion on tape, on a loop for days. (Mel - this was what I was going to do to Rose til she read the books.)

Viggo Mortension - jealous of him getting all the attention and hits him over the head with an axe.

Water torture - Yes, not allowed any to wash his hair in. 

Xxterminated - Just like the rat he is. (It's in the eyes.)

Yrch - Uses him as a football in the Middle Earth Cup. (Rose starts thinking hard about another fic.)

Zealots - Worshippers of Viggo declare a Holy War on him.

Please note - We have nothing against Legolas or Orlando Bloom, and done this as a joke, partly on the suggestion of a boy we know who is sick of his bird fancying Legolas more than him. Flames shall be laughed at. 


	5. Minor Characters

A-Z of the Minor Characters

By Mel and Rose G

A/N - Some of these are pro, some anti. 

Arathorn 1 - He died. We're not sure if he done anything else.

Barliman Butterbur - Just think, without him they might never have met Strider! Disaster!

Celeborn - Probably the one in Middle Earth with the least to say. Silence is beautiful, especially from an Elf. 

Deagol - We wonder if he looked like Gollum. Oh, we wonder, our Preciousss. Preciousss. Who said that? 

Elladhan and Elorhir - Having had to suffer growing up with Arwen, these two are certainly worthy of a mention. 

Faramir - We're still amazed that he never tried to kill Aragorn for taking his country away from him. I would have done. (Mel - Typical bloody Londoner - always answers everything with fists.)

Glorfindel - A blonde elf who was in the book, for all you film fans going 'Whose he?' He discovered the secret of immortality after killing a Balrog.

Halbarad - Please refer to Chapter One, Aragorn. So similar and such a minor character, who wasn't even mentioned in a tribute when he died for Gondor, carrying Aragorn's banner. 

Imrahil - One, he's a Prince. Two he's an ally of Aragorn's. Three, he's hardly mentioned. 

Khamul - Anyone who can control so much of Middle Earth for so long is worthy of our respect. (Rose - Mel, bow to the Witch King.)

Legolas - At least he should have been. We wish. Let's start a campaign!

Mouth of Sauron - Just like a man to forget his own name. Typical!

Nimrodel - The subject of a beautiful legend, and Legolas's song. Mel would do anything to have Legolas sing about _her._ Wouldn't you, Mel?

Orome - If only he could have installed the sea longing in Arwen's and Elf-boy's hearts.

Pippin - Fool of a Took! Maybe not so minor, but at least he's funny.

Quickbeam - At last, one fellow who wouldn't rush into anything. Actually, something like that might stop the world.

Radagast - Talking to birds probably meant he was more interesting to listen to than most. Or a serial womaniser. 

Sandyman - At least not all hobbits had a peaceful life thanks to this charmer. Well done, mate.

Tom Bombadil - Thank the Valar he was a minor character anyway.

Ugluk - Down with Orcs. Down with Orcs. Down with Orcs. Get the picture yet?

Vorondil - We are reliably informed that he did at one time exist in Middle Earth.

Wormtongue - A charming little sneak in Rohan. Not many characters get to subvert a King, now do they?

Xcellent - Most, if not all of the minor characters. And Strider.

Yavanna - Some jumped up goddess who liked trees. Ask Mel for more information - she wrote a story about her.

Zoo inhabitants - Didn't you know that there was one in Gondor where they kept Arwen and Elf boy?

A/N - We have a Gandalf one on the way, plus a Wheel of Time A-Z, starring Lan. 


	6. Hobbits

An A-Z of reasons Why Hobbits Shouldn't Be Allowed on a Journey

Mel and Rose G

Annoying - They sing, drink, and are generally too perky or our liking. 

Bloody useless - They only steal the Arkenstone, and destroy Ruling Rings. Not very good, is it?

Cute -You must be kidding, that's the problem

Dumb - Not in the speaking form, but otherwise, yeah. 

Eating - Always, they NEVER stop. And they stay slim. Not fair. 

Furry footed - Wouldn't they find it hard to stay afloat in water, and wouldn't that make some parts of the journey hard? 

Gollum: relatives of said slime ball (Mel: and you know exactly who looks like Gollum, don't ya Rose?)

Hole dwellers - They'll complain about living in trees / caves/ tents etc. 

Ignorant - Of the history of Gondor at least

Jackasses - According to Rose's brother. We not claim responsibility for this one. 

Kings advisors - Help! They can call down authority! Run from them! (Mel * Rolls eyes* Honestly, Rose, you Londoners!)

Ludicrous - That anyone would take them along. Gandalf has a lot to answer for. 

Merry - He's one so enough said

Nasty - Isn't it nasty to scare poor little hobbitessss? 

'Onest: (Mel- you must excuse my ignorant co-writer, she's delusional and believes this to be a word.)

Pea brained - No, they just have peas and cabbages and mushrooms _on_ the brain. 

Quick thinkers - Yup, so much so that they don't actually believe they need to bother to do it

Ring - Maybe they should have been dead Ringers for a certain Ranger, all of them. 

Second breakfasts - They'd eat all your rations in a couple of days, and starve deserving Rangers. 

There and back again - Why, oh, why the Back Again part?

Underhill - They moan about walking over it.

Very present: can you never get rid of these guys?!?!

Warriors - This is their one good point. However, leave them at home to deal with Ted Sandyman. 

Xcitable -Lets see - dropping something down a well, picking up a Seeing Stone... Yep, that fits all right. 

Young until 33 - They take ages to grow up. 

Zaphod Beebelbrox like - Very similar. Except they only have one head. And they don't fly spaceships. And... you get the picture. 

No offence, we like Hobbits really. It's just easier to do something like this. We think the next chapter may be about Gandalf, although Boromir and Faramir are possible. Then, we're nearly finished with these. 


	7. Gandalf

Unfortunate Places where Gandalf may have Ended Up after the Balrog Incident

By Mel and Rose G

Disclaimer- This character belong to Tolkien, and believe us, if we owned him, that uncontrollable Balrog would have killed him once, for all, and forever. We do not have the power to bring dead people back (although I am working on it. ;-) )

****

Some of these involve time travel. Don't worry about it - we're not. 

Aragorn and Arwen - In the middle of an intimate moment, catch the drift?

Balrogish Afterlife - Their hell closely resembles Valinor - all peaceful and fluffy bunny rabbits etc, so probably not really that bad, but still… Too many of them.

Cracks of Doom - Either Mount Doom or Saraman cracking his head open.

Dol Gulder- You need an explanation for this one? Oh, Elbereth!

England - Where rabid fan girls stampede in the belief that he must be Orlando Bloom. (Mel- Or Gollum in your case, Rose)

Falls of Rauros - Where he accompanies poor Boromir out to sea and terrifies a few fish. And drowns.

Galadriel's mirror/ bird bath, while Frodo is looking at it - He mistakes Gandalf for Saraman and promptly drops dead of heart failure.

Harad - Where the stars are so strange he couldn't even use a compass.

In Boromir's Boat - See F, but while Aragorn etc are saying farewell. Most of the Fellowship die of fright. 

Jammed under the gates of Minas Tirith - Denethor, being Denethor orders the gates lowered despite Faramir's protest and Gandalf in a flat form cannot practice much magic.

Khand - Where he is mullered by troops of strange looking things known as Variags.

Last Homely House - Yeah, really Homely with Elrond yelling at him for leaving his adopted son alone with FOUR hobbits and Boromir. Not to mention that pretty Elf.…

Mordor - Ash heaps and white robes really don't go, do they? 

Numenor, just before sinking - Glug, glug, glug, drown. Ex-wizard. 

Orthanc - Didn't you know that Gandalf's afraid of heights, no thanks to Gwahir? 

Pillars of the Kings - Only to be shot down by Legolas on Aragorn's instructions as he believes that someone is invaded his Kingdom.

Quite - Quite a long way from anywhere remotely safe. Poor git.

Rohan - Theoden 'just wait to I find that wizard…Taking Shadowfax like that…I'll kill him.' Gandalf *crawls under a rock* 

Saraman's Stewpot - Or possible Sauron's. Not that a disembodied eyeball could eat that much, but still, it might damages the robes.

Tol - un Guaroth - Where he sees Luthien, falls in love, challenges Beren to a duel and loses. Badly. 

Under Rohan's cavalry - Eomer 'Charge!' Gandalf 'gulp!'

Varda's lap in Council - Closely followed by Manwe's prison.

Warg's feeding bowl - Bet you anything you like this lot _love_ Wizards.

Xxtemly close to the edge of the Lonely Mountain - Unfortunately , not close enough.

Yavanna - We hear that Aule has a mighty big hammer these days.

Zirak - Zigal - Complete with Balrog and this whole list starts all over again. 

This one came about as the result of a strange conversation in PE, in the middle of our mock exams. 'V' may well be responsible for a new fic, coming soon. 

PS - Who should the next A-Z be about? Open to suggestions, else we'll torture Elf Boy again. 


	8. Sauron

An A-Z of things that Sauron may have said When Discovering the Ringbearer on Mount Doom

Mel and Rose G

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Ignore the impossibility of a disembodied eyeball speaking - we are

Aaarrggghhhhh! - Just about sums it all up, doesn't it?

Baggins - Oh drat, someone told me to look out for them, didn't they? Didn't they?

Curses - It took me three thousand years to build this, and they knock it all down!

Eye - My eye, my eye - they hurt my poor ickle eye.

F--- - Well, what would you say?

Glasses - Why the hell didn't I buy some, like they told me to?

Hobbits - I've been overthrown by _furry -feeted _HOBBITS!

Impenetrable - I'm sure my Ministry of Defence told me that. He is _so _dead. 

Justice - This isn't meant to happen to me. I was only going to take their lands, and enslave their people and kill their women and children. I don't deserve this. 

Kill - All of them. Everybody. Without exception. Except my Orcs. 

Luck - Oh, well, never mind. It'll be better next time. Drat, there isn't going to be a next time, is there?

Mount Doom - I knew I should have filled it in!

Numenorian - Must not let myself get distracted by wretched Rangers. Really, really shouldn't. (Mel - but they're so gorgeous)

Orcs - Useless things. Just can't get the slaves these days. Hobbits would have been better. Or Rangers. Or even Elves.

Palantir - That Which Looks Far Away. Great, they didn't show me my Ring on my own doorstep. Fantastic.

Quite - Quite an unrepeatable event, huh? Hope so, anyway.

Ring - My Precioussssssss! Nassssssty Hobbitsessss! My Precious!!

Shelob! - Didn't I tell you to eat any invaders? Stupid spider.

Treacherous - I'm sure that I programmed that thing to come back to me, not to destroy me?

Unfriendly - I'm unfriendly to them; they're not cruel to poor little me.

Void - Oh great, I get to see Morgoth again. Just who I wanted to see. Mind, he can't yell at me for flunking all my lessons now. He wasn't much better.

Wizard - Saraman, I thought you said you'd help me win this war? (Typical, men get everything wrong)

X-Ray Vision - Knew I should have sent away for some.

Y? - Y me?

Zzzzz - Oh, did I drop off? Have I missed anyth - Aaarrggghhhhh!

Next chapter might be about the Silmarillion, and for a chapter 10 celebration, we're torturing the Elf again. Without suggestions, we'll do it again.


	9. Addition to Minor Characters

Addition to Minor Characters A-Z  
  
By Rose G and Mel  
  
Due to the recent news about Saruman no longer being featured in the film the Return of the King we would like to add Saruman/Christopher Lee to the Minor/Endangered Characters A-Z.  
  
In case you haven't heard the news, a 7 minute scene has been cut from the Return of the King. It included Saruman and Wormtongue and was rumoured to show Saruman's death. This scene was originally meant to go on the end of the Two Towers but Peter Jackson felt that TT couldn't cope with 7 minutes of loose ends after Helm's Deep. Thus the scene was moved to the Return of the King. Now however, Peter Jackson has decided that the scene feels more like the end of TT than the beginning of RotK so it has been cut altogether. It will be in the extended release of RotK next autumn/winter however.  
  
A/N: We apologise for the lack of updates. We have both just moved into our first year of college and life is hell. Here's our explanation for our absence:  
  
GCSEs (exams)  
  
Computer troubles  
  
GCSE results  
  
Computer troubles  
  
Starting college  
  
Computer troubles  
  
Only having one free lesson in which to write together per week  
  
Computer troubles  
  
We do have several more ideas but we're afraid they might be a while in coming. Thank you very much to everyone who's reviewed, we hope you can be patient while we deal with real life. 


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